


I can't change the direction of the wind

by OliveBranch_10



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 02:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1840225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveBranch_10/pseuds/OliveBranch_10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t know what happened the first few weeks after the hellicarrier fell down and his target, Captain America made him feel, think, remember. He flees the scene and hides, his mind is all over the place, thoughts he doesn’t recognize as his own, orders that he doesn’t remember and faces with no name. He knows those faces, he knows them, can hear their voices calling him "come on Barnes, that's all you got?" he knows them, but he can't name them, namelessnamelessnameless just like him, he doesn't have a name - buckybuckybucky yells the captain in his head "WHO THE HELL IS BUCKY" He is screaming but he doesn’t realize it, mind scattered with emotions he isn’t supposed to feel. “You shaped the century.” Yes he thinks, thoughts pausing and eyes glossy but not in good way. </p>
<p>It’s the first thought he has for a long time that feels like his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't change the direction of the wind

**Author's Note:**

> My first marvel fic so please be kind :3 lemme know what you think :)

 

He doesn’t know what happened the first few weeks after the hellicarrier fell down and his target, _Captain America_ made him feel, think, _remember_. He flees the scene and hides, his mind is all over the place, thoughts he doesn’t recognize as his own, orders that he doesn’t remember and faces with no name. He knows those faces, he knows them, can hear their voices calling him _"come on Barnes, that's all you got?" he knows them, but he can't name them, **namelessnamelessnameless** just like him, he doesn't have a name_ \- **buckybuckybucky** yells the captain in his head "WHO THE HELL IS BUCKY" He is screaming but he doesn’t realize it, mind scattered with emotions he isn’t supposed to feel. _“You shaped the century.”_ Yes he thinks, thoughts pausing and eyes glossy _but not in good way._

 

It’s the first thought he has for a long time that feels like his own.

* 

Bucky starts to visit the Smithsonian, remembers vague conversations and hushed whispers. Feels touches in the dark and the need to stifle moans. He ignores the fact that those memories returned when he saw the face of his target. _Steve_ his mind mumbles _My Steve._

There were more memories than the ones he dismisses, he remembers more now, knows the faces that belonged to some of the voices. Some of them smile at him, but most look terrified.

The first name he can give to the face doesn’t make sense, and suddenly he has to leave, he sees his own face everywhere but doesn’t remember ever doing that and _he hates himself._

*

He sleeps in dumpsters, steals clothing and remembers a different world. It takes Bucky almost two months to regain the basic memories. He remembers how to read a subway map, how to read people other than _engage attack now._ It feels like seeing in colour again after a long time of black and white.

*

The library has books; it’s common knowledge that he somehow knows, never completely forgetting, not all memory was lost. _Or else_ Bucky reasons _they had to teach me how to wipe my butt before I could kill someone._ It’s not funny, not by a long shot but it makes him grin none the less. It is enough to encourage the librarian.

He reads, his days exist in words, history he was no part of. It feels real, but not real enough. That is until he reaches the Second World War and the world suddenly turns darker again.

He has to stop reading twice, the urge throw up becomes overwhelming and he has to blink tears away. He feels terrible, but that’s okay because _he is feeling._

* 

Steve first few weeks are a blur, he’s alive. Shot but still breathing. There are thoughts nagging him. He dreams of falling into the water, can feel it closing in on him and then something catches his eye, _metal,_ and suddenly he can breath again.

The first word that’s on his mind when he wakes up is always the same. “Bucky.” It’s not the first word he says, knows that he has to think about every thought before he speaks up. Because Sam watches him like a hawk, constantly checking up on him, making sure that Steve isn’t going anywhere, isn’t looking for Bucky, isn’t freaking out, and Steve tries. He tries to be a good _golden_ boy and behave but he can’t. His ~~everything~~ **best friend** is out there, lost and confused. He has to find him. He wants to shout at Sam _don’t you see, the less I do, the bigger the chance is I’ll lose him again? I wont survive it. Please._

*

 He remembers sometimes how different the world was, how he felt out of place then and out of time now, and he wonders how Bucky feels.

*

He talks to his shrink sometimes. She’s a bit mean but straightforward and he doubts that she minds that he’s Captain America, other than the fact that she’s sometimes mumbling that the people who assigned him to her obviously want her fired.

“What’s really going on in your mind Steve?” Mrs Riley asks him, she’s sitting cross-legged wearing jeans, and it makes him feel comfortable.

“Bucky.” It’s the only answer he has; Bucky is the only thing on his mind. She only has to lift an eyebrow before he explains himself. “I often wonder where he is, if he’s getting his memory back.” He tries to sound sure of his own words but Riley sees right through him. “Stop it with the formal answers, tell me about your thoughts, not what others expect you to think.” He frowns at her because it isn’t what he wanted her to say, he doesn’t want to think, because all he can think of is **_pleaserememberme iloveyou buckyimissyou._** “I’m afraid that he’ll never remember _me_ , or that he only remembers me letting him fall.” He looks at her, sees her thinking about an appropriate answer.

 

“Steve, keep in mind that the Bucky you know, actually died when he fell down, and was reborn as the winter soldier.”

 

He walks out without saying goodbye.

*

“You know I remember a building here, we had to go to the third floor and your spare key was hidden underneath a rock.” Bucky doesn’t look up to see that Steve is standing behind him. “There was a café here right? We went there every Saturday.” He turns around to face Steve, and to see the hope in his eyes makes him want to bolt. _I’m going to disappoint you someday._ “I’m not Bucky” he says and looks over Steve’s shoulder. “Not completely, but I want be.” When Bucky finally has the courage to look Steve in the eyes he gets confused, Steve’s eyes are shiny like he’s trying not to cry but he seems to shake it of and look at Bucky, he looks at him like he’s the whole universe and it terrifies Bucky. **_Pleaseholdmeplease._** “I can help you.” Steve whispers like he’s afraid to break the fragile bonding that’s going on. “Will you let me?”

*

 It’s not perfect, not by a long shot, Bucky attacks Steve sometimes when he wakes up not knowing where he is, who is that man sitting next to him and **who is he?** Steve mentions a Dr Riley once and tells Bucky he should go, so he does. He doesn’t try to kill her which means a lot considering the fact that he doesn’t like her, she’s rude and sneers a lot ~~she sais things so close to the truth and it feels like she can read him and it frightens Bucky.~~

 

Natasha tells him to look to the positive side of things.

 

 

So he looks at **_Steve_** a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: dylanssourpussy.tumblr.com


End file.
